Born in Grief
by Master-Sora
Summary: He could not see what he was doing. All he knew was that it felt good to squeeze the life out of the rodent. [A talk of a nightmare allows Kyo to open up further and prove that he does care.]


**Author's Notes**: Well, you can feel free to welcome me to this section. This may or may not be a one time thing for me, it really does depend on feedback and whether or not my mind works later. I took a pretty decently sized break from writing, so this was more or less an exercise to kick me into high gear once again. D

Anyway, I'm not Japanese. In fact, I know very little Japanese. Why do I insist on telling you this? Well, that would be because I won't use any Japanese in my stories. They'll be in English almost 100 percent of the time. I may use random words in other languages—mostly latin phrases used in English—but overall it won't look like a lot of the fictions on here. So, don't be pissed off. I feel more comfortable writing in my own language.

**Possible Warnings**: Angst. Also, if you look for it, this can be read with two couples in mind, KyoxTohru and YukixKyo. Look for the subtle hints. Think of it as a game, it makes it more fun that way.

---

_Born in grief  
Raised in hate  
Helpless to defy his fate  
Let him run  
Let him live  
But do not forget  
What we cannot forgive_

_And he is not one of us  
He has never been one of us  
He is not part of us  
Not our kind_

Lion King 2  
"One of Us"

---

A harsh voice whispered his name, a voice all too familiar to him. It called to him, making his skin crawl in fear and hatred. He looked around, his crimson eyes straining in the dark to see. A green glow shined from the red pools as they reflected what little light that shone through the thick trees. The voice then sounded again, causing his nerves to jolt. The thin hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as he braced himself.

_They hate us! They want us to die! We were betrayed! _The inhuman voice was carried through a strong wind, making his body shiver in disgust. Both of his hands raised and cupped his ears, trying to will away the pained speech.

"Leave me alone!" he cried out, his eyes shut tightly.

_How could they do this to us? Make them pay! Make them suffer! _

"Shut up!" he ordered, his voice cracking.

Another gust of wind encircled him, playing with his hair as it picked up speed. His eyes snapped open then, watching as a little animal materialized on the dirt in front of him. He strained to see the creature, a mix of grays stealing the color from his sight. With the night vision he was given, he managed to see that before him was a rodent--a rat. It stared up at him, curious beady eyes gazing into his intense ones.

A dark look crossed his face.

He suddenly was taken over, turning into a savage beast. A snarl passed his lips, his body stretching and morphing into something hideous. His fingers turned to claws, his neck extending as long ears sprouted from his head. His shirt ripped to shreds as his chest broadened, and the claws on his feet sliced his shoes completely.

His vision was blinded by red fury as he leapt at the rat, a pained roar ripping from his throat. The little creature squeaked as it was plucked from the ground, and it began to squirm in his vice grip.

Jealousy. Anger. Hatred. He could not see what he was doing. All he knew was that it felt good to squeeze the life out of the rodent. Without any ability to stop himself, his great jaws opened wide to swallow the rat whole.

_I can't!_

In frenzy, he sat up in his futon, heaving deep breaths. Sweat beaded down his face while goose bumps dotted his body. He could feel his body shaking as he raised his hands to his orange hair in an attempt to relax himself. "Damn it."

_A nightmare._

This was not the first time he had dealt with this nightmare. It had occurred a thousand times before, but it seemed that each time it was becoming more and more realistic. The emotions he had endured were real this time, and he could almost feel the rat's little body writhing in his grip as it shrieked in pure horror.

Slowly, his breathing relaxed. He untangled himself from the sheets and stood, allowing his unsteady feet to carry him out of his room and into the hallway. Something told him that he did not want to go back to sleep.

Sometimes, he really hated himself—he always hated his curse. No one else had it as badly as he did. He was the cat, and that monster from his dream, that monster was real. It really did exist. He really was that monster.

Kyo Sohma had it rough, but he rejected the idea of allowing anyone else to share his burden. The feline refused to admit how awfully he felt, and in the dark hallway while everyone slept, he let himself stand sullenly with his bare arms wrapped tightly around himself. It was nights like these that really killed him, but he had been plagued by sick nightmares for as long as he could remember.

_I_—_I hate me._

Nothing seemed more painful right now then the guilt welling within his throat. Yuki and he had gotten along so much better within the last few months, even if he would never admit it aloud. Even if they had not been, Kyo was no murderer! He could not imagine actually killing the rat; that was unheard of and his training would never allow something like that to happen!

His slanted eyes surveyed the quiet home as the first rays of the morning began to seep in through the windows. His shoulders rolled down in their sockets, a feeling of dread bubbling within him. Everyone would be awake soon, and he honestly did not feel like dealing with socialization for the time being. It was inevitable though, because even if he went to the roof, the girl of the house would become worried and hurry up to see what the matter was.

Quietly, he walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to retrieve his milk carton. His fingers absently played with the bone beads circling his left wrist while his mind wandered. It took minutes before his thoughts were interrupted abruptly.

"Good morning."

Kyo's shoulders squared at the sudden sound, though his cat-like senses registered the voice efficiently. A sigh left him as he poured himself a glass of milk, not facing the intruder, "Hey."

The girl instantly busied herself with preparing breakfast, a smile on her face. Kyo stole a glance at her, noting her usual cheery disposition seemed to be entirely intact. He really just did not understand her, he thought as he sipped his drink.

"Did you have a good sleep?" she bubbled, grinning at him childishly.

Kyo really hated to lie, so he tried to work around the truth. His mind did not come up with a good answer though, causing him to blurt out, "No."

Tohru was instantly at his side, staring up at him with concern scrawled across her face. "Is everything all right? You're not sick are you?"

The cat became flustered by her fussing, his body taking a defensive posture, "I'm fine! Stop worrying over stupid stuff."

She then apologized profusely, bowing her head in respect.

Kyo let out a noise of annoyance before saying, "Don't apologize. Look, I just had a nightmare. It's nothing to worry about, okay?"

Her eyes seemed to flash at the word 'nightmare', obviously worried about it. If Kyo did not want to talk about it however, she was fairly stuck. This would not stop her from trying. "My mom used to say that it's good to talk about nightmares. She said it helps calm you down, and it makes you remember that it's just a dream."

There was a long period of silence as Kyo contemplated her words. Perhaps he would benefit from talking to her about it? The main issue was that he did not want to come across as insane. He really did not want to kill Yuki. Would she even believe that?

Finally, he caved in. She was staring at him with such concern and hope that it was really bothering him. "It's really stupid. I've had this dream a few times where I transform." His whole being ached from speaking out loud about such things, but Tohru seemed interested on his behalf, so he almost felt guilty when he paused.

"Part of me—I don't know!" he was getting so frustrated that it was burning him. "There's this rat in my dream and I can't control myself. It's like every bit of me wants to see it in pain. I change and I attack it."

Tohru stared at him wide-eyed, listening to him intently. Kyo had to avert his eyes, feeling unclean as he spoke to such an innocent person. How could he look her in the face so easily?

"Don't get the wrong idea! I wouldn't kill him! I'm not—he isn't," he shivered, raising his eyes to look past her towards the doorway. His voice became softer, a deep fear of himself rearing its ugly head. "What I mean is that nothing in that dream is real. I couldn't kill him. I just get so afraid that I would do it if I wasn't in control," _and I don't want to see him dead. He doesn't deserve that._

Tohru smiled gently at Kyo, giving him a comforting look. "I know you wouldn't."

But how could she be so sure? He was a monster, and monsters did not have feelings like regret. They were senseless creatures meant only for destruction and fear. Why was she so ignorant?

"I know that you and Yuki don't always get along," Tohru began softly, "but you're closer than you think you are. At first I thought that you two hated each other, but now I know that you don't. You wouldn't kill him."

No, _how_ could she be so ignorant?

Kyo honestly contemplated her words, trying to pick apart just how true her speech was. A short smile slowly animated his face. Whether or not he entirely understood her, she really was amazing. He really did not know how she did it, whatever 'it' was.

"Yeah," he quietly agreed. She brightened at this, causing his spirit to rise. How could he stay upset when she was such a caring person? He was so grateful for her friendship. "Thank you."

"Oh, anything to help!" Tohru beamed, "But I guess I should start breakfast now." With that said, she began to busy herself once more, picking up exactly where she left off.

Kyo watched her, feeling entirely relieved. When he looked to the doorway again, what he met was a gentle violet gaze. His mouth parted as he received a knowing smile from the bane of his existence. The shock soon wore off, and it instantly became frustration. How much of that had he heard?

The rat raised his hand to show he came in peace, the smile never fading. He then walked into the kitchen and announced his entrance to Tohru. "Good morning. Do you need any help preparing breakfast?"

"Oh, Yuki!" she exclaimed happily. The other boy grabbed a few dishes that she was carrying, giving her a polite smile. "Thank you very much!"

Kyo watched the rat suspiciously, waiting for him to comment on what had just taken place. As Tohru's cooking nearly finished, Yuki never once mentioned it. The cat began to wonder if perhaps his cousin had even heard it to begin with. He waved it off as paranoia.

The only resident female cheerfully put all of the food in the living room, leaving Yuki and Kyo alone in the kitchen. The former turned to look at the latter calmly, causing the other to bristle.

"What do you want?"

"Thank you," Yuki told him with a light smile.

"What for?" he ground out in return, suspicion rising again.

The rat looked at him carefully, "For caring." Yuki then quietly turned around and exited the kitchen to join the other two at the table, leaving before Kyo could question him further.

Kyo stood there for a minute, taking in the situation. He found himself smiling, a pain deep within his soul carefully being soothed. He was in a good home filled with people who really did care about his well being. In return, he knew he cared about theirs. The grief, the misery he had experienced in his short lived lifetime, was in the past. Though more would come with time, he knew he would face them with the memories of comfort and gratitude.

The monster within him lay still.


End file.
